everyday life

beaten by my time in berlin?

The post, I wrote three hours before, ended up in a nowhere, I couldn’t find it anymore.

I wrote about the exciting experience I had till now in Berlin, including some ups and downs. I wrote about the difficulties which broke out in my marriage. We had discussions about old themes which were very harsh, next day we were one heart/one soul. In my lost post I assumed that the distance by living apart most of the week led to a lack of flexibility and elasticity.

Analyzing happened and followed psychoanalytical standards. But it did not help.

In the moment we have the following agreement: wrong choice of the partner. We try to go away from thinking in „WE“, instead we want to find out our individual wishes, longings, attitudes, our personal handwriting and script.

I will finish now because of the unreliability of my ipad in the moment.

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Allgemein

One step in the right direction

My one year adventure in Berlin arouses a lot of doubts which I never expected. When I was young I thought to be a calm and wise person in the age of 70. No doubts, no problems any more. Instead knowing what you want, having a clear and steady perception of the world and other people. 

But now I learn that I am a person with stop and go, stop and go. How can I explain it? 

My husband and I thought it would be a good idea (and maybe a little bit of an adventure) when we – each of us – in our age (70+) have more time for ourselves. The promise was to live more in the own rhythm. For example: I love to go to movies, but with him on my side I often do not realize my plans. Instead we are sitting together at home, watching tv. He loves documentary, especially about historical themes. I join him in this interest, but it was not what I originally planned to do. The difficulty for me is that the list with not-realizing-wishful-events becomes longer and longer. And as I have a good memory I do not forget this list. 

As we are now living most of the week separated I do not feel prevented from my interests any more. These are the good news. But! I now have to struggle with the huge amount of possibilities here in Berlin. The Berlinale (one of the most popular filmfestivals in the world) starts on tuesday. A handful of interesting lectures in the IPU (International Psychoanalytical University)  are in these days. A friend of mine from Jerusalem is coming for three days. I have to make a contact with a support-number for my computer. This is a great pressure, really. I hate to be dependant from these people who will help me with my problem. And I have a pressure to work on a project: I will discuss the film  „People on Sunday“ in my cinema at home next autumn. (Billy Wilder´s debut as screenwriter, from 1930, one of the last silent movie). There is nothing spectacular in it, so it is a real challenge to write a good paper. 

When I see what I have just written, it seems to me complaining on a high level. And I do not really understand which problem I have! Such a thick bunch of interesting possibilities!

And I have to add another project. I started to get a contact with students who work here in Berlin with refugees. I am choosen as a supervisor for their work. In the moment it is difficult to get the little group together and find an appropriate frame for the work.

I want to thank the bloggers who showed interest in my posts. Young people with a fresh spirit. I am in raptures  (I have this expression from the dictionary, it sounds strange for my german ears.) about their attitude in writing. 

And especially a big thank you to DaisyWillows who asked directly: is everything okay with you? I hope to be back really now, and that is your merit. 

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My Berlin beat

One of the challenges waiting for me during my 1-year-time in Berlin is how do I come along with all the seductions, interests, possibilities and  „duties“ (self chosen). My plans are to take care of my 10 year old granddaughter from time  to time. The  other thing is that I  want to write – biographical stories, short stories. Then I have to think how and when I will move and train my body, my legs, my  breath, in short: how to live healthy. And than,  only for pleasure with no demand  I want to go to the cinema as  often as possible. As I write this I have the impression of a huge programm in Berlin. The circumstances are not so good, because I have a strong tendency to be a couch-potatoe. I would love to lay on the sofa and read or watching tv.  I do not have a sofa in my small appartment in Berlin and I decided not to buy one because of the small space I live in and because the integration of a sofa, which would be possible, would change the aesthetic in the room. I am  not ready for this, now.

My plans and my character – how does this fit together? Listen, I will tell you in short about one week. First of all, instead of picking up Claire, my 10-year-old granddaughter from  school , I went to the  Gendarmenmarkt in midth of Berlin and there into the Concert Hall where she and her chorus had the full rehearsel for the christmas concert. I managed to go in, although only people from the  staff were aloud and listened to the music and the singing. Wonderful, simply  wonderful  to see the kids on the stage with this inspiring and motivating conductor, who successfully tried to bring out the best of the singers. After two hours we went to the christmasmarket  around the corner , watching,  eating, drinking and speaking of wishes we have for christmas. Then I brought her home. This was not so nice, her father was in stress, because there were       a lot of  things „to do“: practising, mathematics for school, training cello for her concert next week. „Why do I have to learn mathematics, it is boring and I want to be an actress or a singer when I am older. I do not need mathematics“.   I am occupied with this problem the evening and even next morning thinking about a possibility to bring her in contact with mathematics.

I am reading a book „The street“  from McCormack and I am fascinated. I see in the newspaper that in a cinema I do not know yet a movie is running, only one night, about which I heard as a masterpiece from A. German a russian filmdirector. „It is difficult to be a god“. Why not? The dystopie of the book might fit to the dystopie of the film, but it runs three hours, in russian with undertitles. It is dark when I go out, not so pleasant in this big city and the aerea of the cinema is dark, too. A little bit away from main streets, I do not  feel very  comfortable.

The three hours were an impressive event: pure middle age, raw and full of violence,  with no culture. The idea of the film is brilliant in my eyes: A handful scientists travel to another planet, where people live still in the middle-age. They have the task to observe how the „Renaissance“ emerge from this old-fashioned society. (This could be the task for the daily post to

Back home the  finishing of the book is an impressive event, too. No middle age, but a world after a total catastrophe.

 

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big changes experimental life

Help – I am drowning‘

One hour ago I wrote a similar post on „my website blogging 101 the commons“ . I fear this was not the right place, it disappeared.

I was telling in this „ghost“-post how earnest I take the daily assignements, and that I want to be clever and active, tough and always „au jour“. This is a task which I cannot fulfil, because there are a lot of seductions on my way, I think of other posts and other bloggers which cross my reading. How interesting are the different topics, how moving are the variety of matters and how touching is the overall wish to „reach out“ and join the community!

Then I had a kind of panic in thinking of spending every day three or more hours to read all the interesting „neighbours“ and therefore I made a decision: I have neighbours near by whom I see often, other neighbours are living at the end of the street or in other areas, and some friends are far away. The distance will decide how often I will meet them.

But now I will take my bicycle and go from one area in Berlin (Friedrichshain) through the whole city to another area (Charlottenburg) to buy the best „Sauerteigbrot“ (= bread of leaven) in town. We call these different areas „Kiez“.

Did I mention already that I take my blog as a kind of „verbal selfie“ and that I plan to move to Berlin in autumn for at least one year? I will write about this year, because it is a kind of experiment in self-knowlegde how it feels to live in a big city at the age of 70+,  how it will be to meet my husband only two days a week (my home is 5 ½ hours away to drive with the train) and how I will manage to create a small pool of interesting people with whom I can spend some free time and share interests.

Do you think my plans are crazy?

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